Gender Neutral

I find myself becoming more and more aware, lately, as to how incredibly impossible this concept is for some parents. Sure, most parents are likely to dress their boys in blue and their girls in pink. Girls wear bows in their hair/ have them plastered to their heads, and boys wear sneakers and baseball caps. Girls might have a pink blankie or car seat and a boy will probably tote a GI Joe instead of a Barbie. My son, admittedly, wears sweatpants instead of sparkly purple tights, and “boyish” brown shoes instead of anything with Dora on them, so I get this concept, to some degree.

What I struggle to understand, however, is when parents appear not only hesitant to allow their child to mix with the stereotypical icons of the opposite gender, but outright terrified. It never crossed my mind that a boy parent might go so far as to take away a toy that is “too girly” or outright ban the toy from the house entirely. I’m serious. I truly had no idea parents (most often, parents of boys) were so concerned with keeping their children tucked safely into their opposite gender corners, never to mix or mingle for fear of…what, exactly?  From what I’ve heard, it can be anything from “He’ll get made fun of!” to “He needs to be more tough and manly”. Seriously?! I promise you, no toy or book or hair bow is going to change your child’s gender, sexual preference, or whatever the hell “manliness” looks like in a toddler. 

So what, I ask you, is the big deal? Bean is in a tight-knit playgroup consisting of a whopping three babies: Bean, Boy Baby, and Girl Baby. We meet at each other’s houses or parks or malls, and, especially now that the kids are toddlers, they trade toys like mad. Bean is just as likely to get his hands on the flower Girl Baby wears in her hair as she is to snatch up his dinosaur toy. And us three mommies just don’t care. In fact, I kind of love when Bean gets to play with Girl Baby’s toys since she is likely to have things B never plays with on a regular basis: purple, pink, glitter…Poor Bean just doesn’t have much of it. (Bean and Boy Baby, on the other hand, seem to have many toys in common.) And from a tactile and cognitive developmental standpoint, it’s probably good for the kid to experience a variety of textures and colors. Plus, glitter is pretty rad. The boys in the group will, over the years, get to sit at a Princess table and sip fake tea from tiny cups and drag dolls around by their hair. On the flipside, Girl Baby will have no shortage of Tonka trucks dragging Spiderman action figures through the dirt on the way to meet up with a pile of dinosaurs. I love it. (And I am far from being a totallygender-neutral maniac, just for the record.)

Being a child is all about discovery and exploration. Getting a chance to see all the cool things the world has to offer, learning new things, and stretching creative muscles. In one afternoon your kiddo can practice walking on the moon (thanks to Astronaut Barbie), tuck a baby doll in for a nap, mold Playdough into the form of your family dog (or is that a turtle?), stack blocks into the shape of a tall building, and inside have a meeting going on between three Star Wars action figures, Elmo, and a T-rex. How freaking awesome is that?! And, more importantly, who the hell wants to take that away, just because all those toys weren’t “gender appropriate”?

My sister-in-law passed down some books to Bean and, as she has a daughter and a son, some of the books were more “girly” than others. So what did I do? I read B the Barbie book this afternoon. And you know what? He loved it. None of his books have sparkles or rhinestones. None of his books have bright pink dresses or hot blondes. We read the book, then two from Dr. Seuss and part of a nursery rhyme book before he, fairly abruptly, told me it was time to dump out his blocks and put them in his sock drawer. (Like any good mama I followed his lead and didn’t ask any questions.)Rest assured, blog fans. I have checked three times since the Book Incident and, so far, I am happy to report that his penis has not actually fallen off. His voice isn’t higher and he has expressed absolutely no desire to work as a commentator on The View when he grows up. With any luck we will walk away from this whole Barbie book fiasco unscathed.

Honestly, though. Not only do I see no harm in crossing stereotype lines, I see nothing but benefit from it. Why should a girl sit in a corner and dress her dolls and paint her nails if what she really wants to be doing is throwing the football around with the boys? Why do people get so up in arms over a little boy asking his mommy to paint his toe nails? What do they think will happen? Bean could be described by most as “all boy” (or as someone who would make a very unattractive girl). He shows many tendencies toward the stereotypical male side of things already. And, if tomorrow while putting on my lip gloss Bean reaches for it and wants me to put some on him, I won’t hesitate (unless it’s my MAC gloss. Mama doesn’t share the good stuff.) I would let him carry my purse around the house and should we ever decide to spawn again (ha!), I would probably run out and buy him a baby doll in practice for a new sibling. Also if I were ever to find myself a parent to a newborn again, I would likely run out and do my best to obtain a Xanax prescription, but only for me. Again, Mama doesn’t share the good stuff. 

Your child was born exactly the person he or she was meant to be. Be a good parent, and don’t screw that up with your petty biases, stereotypes, and unfounded fears. You’re only getting in the way of the beautiful child your kiddo is trying to become.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to check B's estrogen level again, as I have every hour, since I let him read that terrible, trouble-making book. Barbie is just not to be trusted.